Grenades

I’m unstable.

I’ve always been unstable.

Until he came and steadied me.

I’m broken.

I’ve always been broken.

Until he came and healed me.

But most of all…

I’m destructive.

I’ve always been destructive.

And if I don’t change I’ll destroy him.

…

Subconsciously I always seek to sabotage my own happiness. I hurt, and I’m selfish enough to believe that my pain is reason enough to hurt others when I explode.

But when my happiness is another person, aren’t I just destroying the person I love most?

Stay myndful.

Baby Come Back

Since graduation my small town world has been thoroughly shaken. People I have grown up with and know for my entire life have now moved all across the state, most of whom I will likely never see again but for the occasional “like” on social media.

On the one hand its pretty nice not to see those same faces everyday for yet another year of my life. Such a small town makes for a pretty small social pool. On the other hand, because I grew up in this sort of small town where children were forced to be friends with most of their classmates seeing as there were no other options, I have come to realize my social skills are not magnificent. I am not making any friends in college life. This is partially due to the face that I go to a school without dorms, therefore there is no forced socialization; But I do feel that some of my problem is that I’ve never made friends without either, a mutual friend helping us to be friends or, a forced social interaction.

There’s like a million people at my college and I don’t even go to a college that is considered large! I have no idea how to simply approach someone and initiate friendly conversation. I just don’t know how to talk to people I’ve not already created a strong connection with in a friendship-type way. I can talk to strangers in a professional context but heaven forbid I try to make a friend because it will end in disaster. By disaster I simply mean I say something wildly uncomfortable or inappropriate.  Such as commenting when my long hair accidentally brushes the arm of the person next to me, or admitting to my embarrassing nerdy hobbies.

It’s not simply that I have difficulty making new friends, it’s I genuinely miss my old friends. I’m so happy and so proud to watch them move on and follow their dreams, and I am excited to hear about them making new friends in their fancy college dorm life.

But how are they doing it?

Stay myndful.

Which Door?

I haven’t been blogging in a while for a few reasons:

A.) My life has been extremely busy and crazy since graduation, and

B.) I generally prefer to write about things that mean something. Deep thoughts that keep me up at night. However I try not to be radically controversial so as to stay relatable to as large an audience as possible.

Lately the things that keep me up at night have been largely focused on my faith and religion. I hesitate to write about my personal struggles with my faith as religion can become highly controversial and turn readers away. I don’t blog for the sake of collecting followers, however I appreciate that there are people out there who find what I have to say important or entertaining enough to spend a few precious minutes reading, and I don’t want to let anyone down. Although, this is my blog it’s your choice if you wanna read it or not, I feel my voice is important even of you don’t agree, but I really do care about being relatable and considerate to all audiences. I do my best.

Anyways, part of my religious dilemma is learning who to trust with my doubts, fears and questions. Who is going to accept my beliefs for what they are and help to guide me with respect for those beliefs? And who is going to try to alter those beliefs to coincide with their own? I fear too many will try to lead me through door number two.

Stay myndful.

“Calm Down”

The fastest way to get me into a raging fury is to tell me to “calm down“.

…Seriously?

When did it become a problem to feel emotion? Really feel it.

Anger is unpleasant, its not an emotion that anyone likes. Its not fun for the person feeling angry, and it sucks to come into contact with someone who is angry. I do not consider myself to be an angry person. Generally speaking I am pretty easy going and able to reign in this emotion. That said, sometimes when I’m mildly irritated it is perceived as anger. For those readers out there who have seen me truly angry that must seem comical. It is a sound consensus that I get scary when I’m mad. Its been described to me as “going velociraptor”. Anger sucks, for me it comes on so quickly like hitting a wall, and it leaves just as fast. That is why is it so incredibly frustrating being told to calm down.

Sadness is awful. No one really wants to feel sad. So why is it that it is okay to tell someone to calm down when they are in distress? Is it not clear that they would if they could? Something is making them sad and they are allowed to feel that way, even if the perpetrator of the accursed phrase doesn’t understand why their sad.

Happiness is fantastic! Everyone wants to be happy. But beware, apparently its not okay to be too happy, someone might tell you to calm down. I honestly do not get why people feel the need to destroy someone’s joy like that. Excitement is a wonderful thing, sharing happiness is a wonderful thing! Why would anyone want to stifle another’s happiness?

Why would anyone want to stifle another’s emotions at all? I get that if someone is emotional, hanging around someone who is feeling an opposite emotion is probably not a good mix. Ordering people to change their emotions will not help to change them, unless the intent was to upset them more. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way about being told to calm down, but I suspect I am not alone.

For  one thing, don’t tell me what to do.

For another, I have my reasons for feeling the way I feel.

…even if I don’t have a good reason, my emotions are mine, if you want to influence them do it positively.

Emotions are not something to be ashamed of. Emotion makes us human. Connects us to one another. I don’t understand the social taboo with visibly feeling emotion. Feeling is what makes life worth living, even if it hurts sometimes.

“Calm down.”

“Okay yeah sure ill just do that. Thanks that never occurred to me”

Stay myndful.

(photos: iwastesomuchtime.com)

Important Decisions

On Support

You know that “Help and Support” tab that’s always in the corner of a web page?

Wouldn’t it be nice if life had one of those? Unfortunately in real life we don’t have convenient little help buttons. In the real world we have to foster love, care and trust in our relationships. What is also unfortunate is that trust is easily broken and extremely hard to mend once it has been destroyed.

I’ve been blogging about change a lot lately while my life is in transition. During these tumultuous times in life a support system is essential. People need something steady to hold onto, it is a common phrase to call someone important to you a “Rock”. Being someone’s “Rock” represents lending strength, solidarity, and unwavering loyalty. I imagine there are a lot of important people in a persons life, there are certainly more than one in mine, but it takes a very special kind of important person to be a “Rock”.

If one ever has the great honor to be a “Rock” I recommend that they treat their position with the utmost of care and responsibility. However being someone’s “Rock” can be a very stressful and difficult position to hold and it is easy to feel resentment and bitterness about shouldering such a load.

My Old Soul

I was once told that my soul was old. I think that person may be right.

I just want to live in the new Zealand countryside and paint my feelings. I don’t want to look for the one, I don’t want to have new exciting relationships I just want someone to love me forever.

Maybe its attributed to a simple lack of motivation that I don’t feel excitement when broaching the subjects of new experiences that should be exciting.

Or maybe my soul is that of someone who has had their fill of excitement, who knows, not me.

There are two paths I want in life, I either want to go on some fantastic magical journey or sit contentedly in my hobbit hole with my books forever and ever until I die a peaceful death of old age.

I’m pretty sure most high school students don’t feel so ready to retire at eighteen…

Stay myndful.

Once Upon a… STRESS

So. I’m feeling some stress to say the least. Our show opens in two days. Hell week is always scary. This is the biggest role I’ve ever had. Additionally there have been a lot of changes in the program and in my life. Change is scary.

Throughout it all one thing has never changed, the passion I have for performance. Acting is hard and it takes a lot out of a person to practice everyday single day the level of control over ones emotions in such a way. Its exhausting. Its so much time and effort on stage and backstage. We have two days before opening and I’m still working on alterations for costumes. Ugh.

I love high school theater, but I’m ready to perform my very last show ever at Hockinson. I’m ready to let go of my precious theater and the costume room I’ve spent the last four years pouring my heart and soul into. It’s time for me to move onto bigger and better stages. Both literal stages and new stages in life.

In the mean time, the cast is going to get our act on and give our audience the best we’ve got. After all, an actor lives for their audience.

Nibblets!

MY SISTER IS GOING INTO LABOUR RIGHT NOW

Unfortunately she lives like eight hours away so I cannot be with her but my mom took time off work to drive down and be with her.

This baby is coming very inconveniently for me, as I am too busy to see her. I have my senior prom tomorrow (babies are more important yes but I cant get my money back and prom is expensive!) I also have rehearsal everyday for the musical that opens NEXT THURSDAY. So the rest of my month is jam packed with rehearsals and performances.

BABY WHY? I WANT TO MEET YOU AND PINCH YOUR FAT BABY CHEEKS! Also see my sister in this very emotional time.

GOOD LUCK BABY!

Going Under

I saw a quote the other day, I don’t know who it was by or where I found it but it was something to the effect of, ‘my life is moving so quickly I forget to enjoy it’.

This speaks to me so deeply. I’m at this awful point in my life where I simultaneously cannot wait to get out of my high school, but I also feel like my life is going a million miles an hour and I’m being left behind. I’m drowning in the stress of my life. I haven’t been blogging lately because I’ve been really emotional. I hesitate to connect to the internet when I am emotional because I want this blog to have my heart in every post, but I don’t want to let my heart run away without my head.

There are so many reasons I am done with high school. There are just as many reasons I am afraid of leaving so soon.

I’m ready to move on to a new stage in my life. However the next stages in my life are enormous steps to take. It’s terrifying that my entire future depends on the decisions I make right now.

It makes me so angry to think that my life depends on how well I do as a teenager but at the same time adults continuously stifle teenagers and treat us with such negative stigma.

So in short, release me from my prison; but also change is scary.