Sometimes, it all just builds up until it has to come out all at once.

Grenades

I’m unstable.

I’ve always been unstable.

Until he came and steadied me.

I’m broken.

I’ve always been broken.

Until he came and healed me.

But most of all…

I’m destructive.

I’ve always been destructive.

And if I don’t change I’ll destroy him.

Subconsciously I always seek to sabotage my own happiness. I hurt, and I’m selfish enough to believe that my pain is reason enough to hurt others when I explode.

But when my happiness is another person, aren’t I just destroying the person I love most?

Stay myndful.

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Baby Come Back

Since graduation my small town world has been thoroughly shaken. People I have grown up with and know for my entire life have now moved all across the state, most of whom I will likely never see again but for the occasional “like” on social media.

On the one hand its pretty nice not to see those same faces everyday for yet another year of my life. Such a small town makes for a pretty small social pool. On the other hand, because I grew up in this sort of small town where children were forced to be friends with most of their classmates seeing as there were no other options, I have come to realize my social skills are not magnificent. I am not making any friends in college life. This is partially due to the face that I go to a school without dorms, therefore there is no forced socialization; But I do feel that some of my problem is that I’ve never made friends without either, a mutual friend helping us to be friends or, a forced social interaction.

There’s like a million people at my college and I don’t even go to a college that is considered large! I have no idea how to simply approach someone and initiate friendly conversation. I just don’t know how to talk to people I’ve not already created a strong connection with in a friendship-type way. I can talk to strangers in a professional context but heaven forbid I try to make a friend because it will end in disaster. By disaster I simply mean I say something wildly uncomfortable or inappropriate.  Such as commenting when my long hair accidentally brushes the arm of the person next to me, or admitting to my embarrassing nerdy hobbies.

It’s not simply that I have difficulty making new friends, it’s I genuinely miss my old friends. I’m so happy and so proud to watch them move on and follow their dreams, and I am excited to hear about them making new friends in their fancy college dorm life.

But how are they doing it?

Stay myndful.

Which Door?

I haven’t been blogging in a while for a few reasons:

A.) My life has been extremely busy and crazy since graduation, and

B.) I generally prefer to write about things that mean something. Deep thoughts that keep me up at night. However I try not to be radically controversial so as to stay relatable to as large an audience as possible.

Lately the things that keep me up at night have been largely focused on my faith and religion. I hesitate to write about my personal struggles with my faith as religion can become highly controversial and turn readers away. I don’t blog for the sake of collecting followers, however I appreciate that there are people out there who find what I have to say important or entertaining enough to spend a few precious minutes reading, and I don’t want to let anyone down. Although, this is my blog it’s your choice if you wanna read it or not, I feel my voice is important even of you don’t agree, but I really do care about being relatable and considerate to all audiences. I do my best.

Anyways, part of my religious dilemma is learning who to trust with my doubts, fears and questions. Who is going to accept my beliefs for what they are and help to guide me with respect for those beliefs? And who is going to try to alter those beliefs to coincide with their own? I fear too many will try to lead me through door number two.

Stay myndful.

“Calm Down”

The fastest way to get me into a raging fury is to tell me to “calm down“.

…Seriously?

When did it become a problem to feel emotion? Really feel it.

Anger is unpleasant, its not an emotion that anyone likes. Its not fun for the person feeling angry, and it sucks to come into contact with someone who is angry. I do not consider myself to be an angry person. Generally speaking I am pretty easy going and able to reign in this emotion. That said, sometimes when I’m mildly irritated it is perceived as anger. For those readers out there who have seen me truly angry that must seem comical. It is a sound consensus that I get scary when I’m mad. Its been described to me as “going velociraptor”. Anger sucks, for me it comes on so quickly like hitting a wall, and it leaves just as fast. That is why is it so incredibly frustrating being told to calm down.weakness

Sadness is awful. No one really wants to feel sad. So why is it that it is okay to tell someone to calm down when they are in distress? Is it not clear that they would if they could? Something is making them sad and they are allowed to feel that way, even if the perpetrator of the accursed phrase doesn’t understand why their sad.

emergency sadness kit

Happiness is fantastic! Everyone wants to be happy. But beware, apparently its not okay to be too happy, someone might tell you to calm down. I honestly do not get why people feel the need to destroy someone’s joy like that. Excitement is a wonderful thing, sharing happiness is a wonderful thing! Why would anyone want to stifle another’s happiness?

Why would anyone want to stifle another’s emotions at all? I get that if someone is emotional, hanging around someone who is feeling an opposite emotion is probably not a good mix. Ordering people to change their emotions will not help to change them, unless the intent was to upset them more. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way about being told to calm down, but I suspect I am not alone.glass tongues

For  one thing, don’t tell me what to do.

For another, I have my reasons for feeling the way I feel.

…even if I don’t have a good reason, my emotions are mine, if you want to influence them do it positively.

Emotions are not something to be ashamed of. Emotion makes us human. Connects us to one another. I don’t understand the social taboo with visibly feeling emotion. Feeling is what makes life worth living, even if it hurts sometimes.

“Calm down.”

“Okay yeah sure ill just do that. Thanks that never occurred to me”

maturity

Stay myndful.

(photos: iwastesomuchtime.com)

Important Decisions

On Support

You know that “Help and Support” tab that’s always in the corner of a web page?

Wouldn’t it be nice if life had one of those? Unfortunately in real life we don’t have convenient little help buttons. In the real world we have to foster love, care and trust in our relationships. What is also unfortunate is that trust is easily broken and extremely hard to mend once it has been destroyed.

I’ve been blogging about change a lot lately while my life is in transition. During these tumultuous times in life a support system is essential. People need something steady to hold onto, it is a common phrase to call someone important to you a “Rock”. Being someone’s “Rock” represents lending strength, solidarity, and unwavering loyalty. I imagine there are a lot of important people in a persons life, there are certainly more than one in mine, but it takes a very special kind of important person to be a “Rock”.

If one ever has the great honor to be a “Rock” I recommend that they treat their position with the utmost of care and responsibility. However being someone’s “Rock” can be a very stressful and difficult position to hold and it is easy to feel resentment and bitterness about shouldering such a load.

I was once told that my soul was old. I think that person may be right.

I just want to live in the new Zealand countryside and paint my feelings. I don’t want to look for the one, I don’t want to have new exciting relationships I just want someone to love me forever.

Maybe its attributed to a simple lack of motivation that I don’t feel excitement when broaching the subjects of new experiences that should be exciting.

Or maybe my soul is that of someone who has had their fill of excitement, who knows, not me.

There are two paths I want in life, I either want to go on some fantastic magical journey or sit contentedly in my hobbit hole with my books forever and ever until I die a peaceful death of old age.

I’m pretty sure most high school students don’t feel so ready to retire at eighteen…

Stay myndful.

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